Vote For A Real American Made Hand Grenade
 
The 2008 Presidential Election is finally over, and it turns out that I did not win! In retrospect I should have done some campaigning.

I figure next time around I will get a stimulating running mate, like Carmen Electra or Robocop, press up a few hundred dollars worth of buttons and stickers and that should secure my spot on the ticket.

In all seriousness I am glad the election is over. I could give you a list of reasons why, but one of the main ones is that my mailbox won't be stuffed full of propaganda for another few years. Day after day I was pulling out post cards, fliers and letters from the Republican party. They kept getting bigger and nastier as it got closer to the election. I would come home from a hard day’s work and what would come pouring out of my mailbox? Nothing but magazine sized adds displaying in colorful letters things like ‘Barrack Obama Is A terrorist. In Fact, He Flew The Planes Into The Two Towers.  Also He Is A Nazi’. ‘Obama Hates Children...A Lot’, ‘Barrack Obama Wants To Fondle Your Girlfriend’s Genitals And Her Boobies...At The Same Time’ and ‘Obama Is Not A U.S. Citizen. He Was Born To Shape-Shifting Reptilians In The Draconian Star Cluster’.

If this is a traditional campaigning method, then I’d better start getting some dirt on my opponents for the next election as soon as I know who they are. And when I say ‘Start Getting Dirt’, I mean making up completely ridiculous things that even an idiot like myself wouldn’t believe.

Beam Me Up, Douche Bags!

You know what seems like a complete waste of time and money nowadays? Space Travel. Seriously. I don't think that there is much left to do in space. And what the fuck do people do up there anyways? You go up there, eat a sandwich, float around a bit and come home. That shit costs the taxpayers about a bajillion dollars every time a person or a monkey goes up there to fuck around or eat lunch. Fuck it, get rid of it.

I’m sure the first few times we went up there, it was all valid. Now that we know there are no resources and no bodacious aliens, we should just knock it off. The only reason we went to space, was to do it before the Russians or Chinese did. The only reason we won’t stop making these little tax money wasting space adventures, is because no one else will stop first.

Do we need to research the gasses of mars or the rings of Neptune? I don't think so. Who cares? Should children grow up with dreams of becoming Astronauts if it a completely useless profession? Nope. The only way to solve this is to get rid of NASA. Make it obsolete. Those fuckers are bums. Fuck ‘em.  Now if we went into space to blow up Venus for a pay per view special, I would support that, but until then, space travel is for douche bags.

More Ideas From A Nut! (Not a walnut, In Case You Were Confused. Walnuts Are Festive)

Well gang, I've been thinking, and there’s only one way for me to be cool. And by cool I mean rich. And I don't mean rich with prosperity and good fortune, I mean rich with lots of money so i can buy good drugs and flame throwers and three toed sloths and other things i need to have so that chicks will date me. As you can see, this is all leading up to one thing:

I NEED TO BUILD A TIME MACHINE SO THAT I CAN TRAVEL BACK TO THE FUTURE SO I CAN INVENT MYSPACE! Yeah! FUCK YOU TOM! The first person you’re gonna see in your top Friends list when you set up your account is me baby! YEAH! IM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS I COULD SQUIRT LIQUIDS FROM ANY GIVEN HOLE ON MY BODY! WHOOOO-FUCKIN-HOOOOO!

I've been studying to build a time machine by watching movies that feature time travel. Mostly Back: To The Future, Terminator 2, Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Time Cop. I also watched Spaceballs thirteen times in a row. There’s no time travel, but that shit cracks me up!

After studying all of the different methods of time travel i have decided i must combine them all if i am going to make it work. A simple Delorian or phone booth just won’t cut it on its own today. I need a Delorian-phone booth-cyborg hybrid space time continuum chariot of doom! And it needs to be sexy too! I need to roll in style, holmes!

After calculating the costs of the material i need, plus the expenses of kidnapping and keeping alive the scientists and bio engineers i will need to build this thing, it should only run me about $6,790 Trillion dollars!!!! That’s a lot cheaper than it would have cost me to put together the Gilligan’s Island themed space ship (complete with Chuck E. Cheese restaurant!) that I designed last year!!!

I’m gonna get some rest now, production begins tomorrow!!! And i have to go sell some of my shit to get that $6,790 trillion dollars so that i can build my time machine and go back and invent myspace so i can make a million dollars and get dates!!!
Wait a second...

Breaking Boundaries With Rectangles

Pong; a simple word? Yes. A simple game? No! I recently had the privilege to re-visit this former coin operated monster in the comfort of my own living room and thought, has anyone ever did a review of this fucking game? I highly doubt it. So I thought to myself, “Here you go again, breaking boundaries and going places no one else has ever gone, kind of like an astronaut or a great explorer finding new land or new places to put your penis that feel squishy and safe from disease, yes you really are a gift to the world!” But enough about me, I give you: MY REVIEW OF PONG!

Upon first appearance, Pong seems like a simple digital version of table tennis, but once you indulge yourself in its vast fantasy world of vertically moving oblongs and flying squares, you realize it is much, much more!

In fact, Pong isn’t a mere game; it’s a life changing experience, much like a watching a child being born or getting your first period! Strap yourself down as you prepare to defend your half of the black screen from the wrath of the square tennis ball! Sweat with excitement as you move your rectangle up and down the screen trying to bash the square towards your opponent! Clench your fists in rage around the joystick as the ball comes back to your side of the screen! Scream obscenities at the top of your lungs as you try to hit it back to other side of the screen! Repeat this crazy shit nonstop without change for hours! Think you are ready for this kind of excitement? If you answered yes to this question, then tell your Mom to hold your calls and put on your most absorbent diaper, because you are ready to be butt slammed by the high excitement and energy that Pong has to offer!

Once you have experienced (or re-experienced) the absolute genius and excitement that is packed into this slice of retro heaven, you will easily see how it paved the way for other great video games such as Quadrapong, Super Pong, Dr. Pong, and World of Warcraft.

Mini Thought Marathon

* I am not going to support PETA until they show some love for the Chupacabra.

* I wish that “God Of Thunder” from Kiss would play every time i unzip my pants. That would easily make me the coolest person ever. Easily!

* Eating Chap Stick will not fill you up. Not even a little bit, and not even the cherry flavored ones.

* A funny way to say “Vagina” is “Bagina” and I have no fucking explanation for that.

* I recently learned that the movie Robocop did not win any prestigious film awards. That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard, ever. I mean have you seen that fucking movie? It’s fucking tits!

* Whatever happened to that other guy from Wham!? He seemed like a nice guy.

* Walrus-Werewolf hybrid. How do we make it, and what do we call it?

* I hate it when you are taking a dump and someone tries to sit on your lap. How rude!

* In some countries, you aren’t a man until you rape a heard of zebras. Seriously, watch the discovery channel (I don’t).

* The police don’t consider it “free entertainment” when you dress up like a clown and stand outside of a strangers bedroom window. I don’t know the technical term for it, but it's far from “free entertainment” and it's not even a legit business according to them stupid idiots.

* In my high school English class, our teacher made us listen to the whole 2112 album by Rush because it’s a concept album about some stupid fuckin’ Ayn Rand book we just forced to read. (Atyls Shrugged? Maybe? I don’t really remember). It was horrible and it made my ears hurt. Who writes a concept album about an Ayn Rand novel? Then it hit me. They were bangin’ her. All of them. Maybe she should write a book about that. Or maybe they should have just written a concept album about her vagina. Or wait...maybe I should write a concept album about why Rush wrote a concept album about an Ayn Rand story…now that’s original!

Glam Rock, Spandex And Muppets

Do you remember Jim Hensen's 1986 movie The Labyrinth? It was about a young girl who wishes her brother away and afterwards he is magically taken by a goblin king who asks that she complete his maze before she can claim her brother back. If that doesn't ring a bell, maybe you remember that David Bowie played Jareth the Goblin King and spent the whole movie dancing around in spandex with his boner swinging in every which imaginable direction? Ding Dong! Those bells are ringing now, aren't they?

I recently came across this movie after many years and couldn't believe what i was seeing! I remember watching this film as a child and thankfully my innocence protected my retinas from being burned out at the sight of Bowie's spandex fiasco. It's obvious that everyone who worked on this movie other than Jim Hensen was a woman. Hensen probably spent so much time obsessing over the perfections of the "Bog of Eternal Stench" That he failed to notice what wardrobe had been picked out for Mr. Ziggy Stardust to prance around in. I'm also disgusted that the censors didn't step in and do something about Bowie's Clog Monger starring in half the movie. They might as well have put "David Bowie's Crotch" in the cast of characters.

The problem is due to this movie you can’t have a conversation about Bowie's music without his Manhood coming up half the time. I have heard women refer to him as "Big Dick Bowie." Is this really necessary? Can't we just call him Mr. Bowie? I don't think that his genitals had any part in writing great songs like "Fame" and "Modern Love" so let's just forget about the deformed ogre that dwells in his shorts and enjoy the musical genius that he bestowed upon the world!

I have also decided that if i ever accidentally spawn children, that there are plenty of other movies i can let them watch other than this one. Legend, anyone?

The Lord Giveth...And The Lord Taketh Away

Recently, one of my roommates acquired a legal cable box that will allow the user to pull many satellite signals out of the air and into the comfort of your living room. Yes it really is legal, and we now have almost 300 channels. Take that Charter! When he got it set up the other night, all three residents of the house were present to discover that we get five, count 'em five, hard core sex channels! And i do mean hard core! This isn't the hotel room shit that just shows bobbing eyes when a girl is working a pork stick, this is the shit that airs full length unedited films like Butt Munching Weiner Sniffers and Two Girls, One Tub, No Shame!

Our faces lit up like that kid from "A Christmas Story" when he got his Red Ryder BB Gun, (And like that kid my parents should be worried about me shooting my eye out with this toy as well...) I mean we felt like every bit of karma we were owed by the cosmos was being returned, in double.

Then it hit me, and i had to be the bearer of bad news. No fuck it, this wasn't just bad news, this was the type of news that crushes your life and can put you into a deep depression. FUCK! I had to tell them now, before it was too late.

"Shit, guys...I hate to say this...we only get these channels in the living room."

The room grew silent for what seemed like forever.

We were crushed. Defeated. Taken Down. Beaten. The life had been sucked out of us. We joked that we could put up a curtain and each of us could reserve special time with the cable box. I of course mentioned we would all need special chairs for that because I’m not comfortable with anyone whackin' off on the couch. I mean, sometimes i eat breakfast sitting on that couch!

Sure we made jokes, but really we all went to bed a little more dead inside than we were when we woke up.

Cory J

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